


RC #227 Mission #8: Don’t Fear The Reaper

by SkarmorySilver



Series: Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Response Center #227 [9]
Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga), Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Genre: Bleepfic, Canon Defilement, Character Derailment, Debatable Trollfic, Defect Notes, Department of Floaters, Everything Note, Gary Stu, God Stu, I think?, Legendary Badfic, Malapropisms Galore, Mary Sue, Not Safe For Brain, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, OH GOD WHY, PPC Mission, Sentient fireball, Sporking - Freeform, Squick, WTF, badfic, minis, minis everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 12:49:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14593395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: In which two different derivatives of the same character come face-to-face.





	RC #227 Mission #8: Don’t Fear The Reaper

**Author's Note:**

> \- **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. The _Pokémon_ franchise (Falchion’s home continuum) belongs to Nintendo, Satoshi Tajiri and Game Freak. _Jurassic Park_ (Ripper’s home continuum) belongs to Universal Pictures and Michael Crichton. _Death Note_ belongs to Tsugumi Ohba. Agents Rashida Mafdetiti, Falchion, and Velociripper belong to me.  
>  The fic being sporked, ["Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami"](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4615680/1/Light_and_Dark_The_Adventures_of_Dark_Yagami), belongs to [D'arkYagam'i](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/1723478/D-arkYagam-i), who may kindly keep it.
> 
> \- **Betas:** Voyd and Omega.
> 
> \- **Rating:** M/R - Gods, was this trainwreck secretly a trollfic? I can't tell.
> 
> \- **Original Posting Date:** April 23, 2015
> 
> \- [Original Document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/19IxBxWurMG1m0Z_dzkeronH-kMej81s4Qvq32dSz38M/edit)  
> 

 

Cover Illustration:  [ Dark Yagami....yeah. ](http://sailorquaoar.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Yagami-yeah-146580808) by  [ SailorQuaoar ](http://sailorquaoar.deviantart.com/)

 

> “Under normal circumstances, humans should have continued to evolve as the greatest creatures upon this earth, but we were actually regressing. A rotten world. Politics, law, education… Was there anybody around who could correct this world? But someone had to do it.”
> 
> — Light Yagami,  _ Death Note  _ S2E37: “New World” (2007)

 

**Pre-Mission**

 

The PPC HQ may be many things, but one thing it isn’t is an ideal residence for a carnivorous dinosaur. For one thing, the stereotype of people being first on the menu in most dinosaur media does not exactly lend well to establishing trust relationships with the majority of the workforce. On top of that, the enclosed corridors and RCs and the dull, uniform gray of the Generic Surface everywhere are far from the vast expanses of vegetation, the natural geography, and the abundant prey populations of the Mesozoic.

Velociripper, however, couldn’t be happier.

Following his fortunate escape from his homefic, the ex-Stuvian  _ Deinonychus _ had discovered to his chagrin that he had been a tool with which his author could abuse the main characters. Said author’s current persona, Falchion, had been none the wiser, which only made settling the matter that much more difficult. As luck would have it, however, Ripper ended up bearing witness to even greater badfic-induced horrors than himself before he could take out his anger on the Skarmory agent, and the two of them were able to finally reconcile in the face of a common cause. And now, thanks to Falchion, he had a place to call home – which, needless to say, was more than he would admit for most characters like him.

When Ripper had recovered from his untoward encounter with King Krok, the Sue-eating  _ Tylosaurus _ , he had been a total mess, an emaciated zombie-like creature with only patches of feathers and hideous scarring everywhere. Thanks to Medical and the de-glittering process, however, he looked and felt much better, with decent-looking plumage from his snout to the tip of his tail. He was still quite thin for his age, but a steady diet of meat would likely change that soon. Assuming he could stay alive on the job, that is.

It had been a day since the  _ Deinonychus  _ agent had nearly gotten run over by a metallic beast that had plowed its way through the DoSAT, an unexpected incident which had resulted in the commission he had ordered being delayed. To him, it didn’t really matter. He now had the centerpiece for his trophy collection, and he wasn’t going to let it go to waste.

Arriving at the door to RC #227, the raptor planted his scaly, bird-like left foot on the door and tapped it several times with the six-inch retractable claw on his second toe. He shifted back onto two feet when the door opened, revealing a groggy and rather irritated albino Sphinx, whose nap he had apparently interrupted.

Rashida Mafdetiti glared first at Ripper, and then at the large, copper-tipped, shotgun-like energy rifle clutched in both of his clawed wings.

“Really?” she growled, still rubbing the sleepiness out of her eyes.

“If it is any comfort to you,” Ripper replied, “I had this item reconstructed from most if not all of my cybernetic implants that the  DMSE&R was able to recover. I figured that I’d have the weaponry from my homefic converted into something more… canonical. ”

“In what sense? I can understand why you’d want a weapon from Aperture Science, but I don’t think they have any plasma guns.”

“I know. Luckily, the  _ Half-Life  _ games take place in the same universe. This is a Tau Cannon, one of the best weapons in the first game. It was introduced in Chapter 11, ‘Questionable Ethics’, and can normally be found on the second floor of the Advanced Biological Research Lab. However, as I said already, I thought having one created from scratch would be easier.”

She glared at him, but stepped aside to let him in regardless.

A moment later, a silver armored bird came over to join them. “Heyyy! Nice thingamajig you’ve got there, buddy! I thought you said you were gonna get that yesterday?” asked Falchion.

“There was a bit of a…  _ setback _ ,” said Ripper, walking over to the custom addition to RC #227. “Specifically, most of the equipment got smashed when a ‘drunk driver’ in a pink toga rode some kind of giant armored creature into the DoSAT. He was part of your sister’s pack.”

Falchion peeked into the new room and whistled in admiration. Ripper’s room looked much like a natural cave, and inside was a massive stage-like structure made of fresh conifer branches. Like an Australian bowerbird, Ripper intended to decorate the structure with a variety of interesting artifacts with which he could theoretically attract a mate, but the only two things he had collected so far were the Tau Cannon and a replica of Ash’s hat, snagged from a character replacement he had devoured on his first mission.

The Skarmory watched Ripper set the Tau Cannon in the exact center of the space beneath the bower, his head cocked in surprise. “Sarah? What happened to her?”

“The flying human was partnered with two others,” the raptor replied. “The drunk driver I just mentioned is named Cupid, and there’s also a juvenile named Lapis who hunts alongside them for some strange reason. I’m sorry to say that they were sent after a Gary Stu that proved far too dangerous for them.”

Both of his partners exchanged identical expressions of horror. It was a full five seconds of Ripper positioning and repositioning the cannon before the silence was broken.

“Did they live?” asked Rashida.

Ripper stopped fidgeting momentarily. “I was told that Lapis lost one of her hands during the fight, and the only reason they were able to bring the Stu down was because she accidentally caused the uncanonical universe they were in to tear itself to pieces. The ‘truck’, I believe that was what the iron beast was called, had originally belonged to said Stu, and Cupid had to steal it so he, his pack, and the herd of canons involved could escape.”

Falchion and Rashida both stared at him, their eyes wide.

“By Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres,  _ and _ Lugia… That Stu wasn’t a godmodder, wasn’t he?” asked the Skarmory.

“What’s a godmodder?” asked Ripper. “Is that a bad thing?”

“A very,  _ very _ bad thing,” Rashida growled. “What were they possibly thinking?! What were the Flowers thinking? I shouldn’t have let Sarah strike out on her own, let alone with that drunken bag of glitter who dared to name himself after the Roman god of desire…”

“I don’t think you could have done anything, I’m afraid,” Falchion replied, earning a dirty look from her. “The Flowers made the choice for her, and she accepted it. As for the actual mission, though… I have no clue. Either those tyrants Upstairs had no idea what the flock they were doing or they were just that, tyrants.”

The Sphinx’s white hackles stood on end, and she rounded on her metallic partner. “For your information, you smartass tin turkey, the Flowers may be a garden of sadists, but they are  _ not _ dictators, and they would  _ not _ purposefully endanger the agents who work for them. Otherwise, Tianlong and I wouldn’t have been sent after Rayner and his first partner!”

Neither Falchion nor Ripper had the slightest idea who Tianlong was, but they decided not to question it. They  _ did _ know that Rashida had failed to save Rayner’s partner in time, though, and if that incident was brought up, there was no point in arguing any further.

“Okay, okay, I stand corrected,” said Falchion. “Sorry about that. But why would a God-mode Stu be dropped off at the metaphorical doorstep of a DIC team? Why not the DMS?”

“It could have been anyone’s mistake,” Ripper replied. “Not just the Flowers or the agents, but the DI for misinterpreting the content of the badfic, or the DIA for not providing assistance…”

“Whoever brought this upon Sarah’s team, the past is past,” Rashida grumbled, heading over to the fridge to grab a drink of milk. “All we can do now is let them move forward. And for the love of Nut and all of her children, I hope something similar doesn’t happen to us three.”

**[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]**

“Well, to our credit,” Falchion said as he walked over to the console before pecking the red button, “at least we’re better prepared for this sort of thing than –”

The moment he saw the mission report, however, he instantly went silent. In fact, he stood completely motionless for a full half-minute, his expression frozen in abject horror.

Ripper finally found an arrangement for his cannon that he’d liked, and walked out of his lair to see Rashida lapping up the milk she’d poured into her drinking bowl, and more importantly, Falchion standing as still as a statue in front of the console.

“Brother? Are you alright?” he asked, heading over to join the shell-shocked Skarmory agent and read the report as well. “What is this? Hmmm…  _ Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami _ ?”

Rashida sprayed milk all over the Generic Floor. “WHAT THE  _ NEIK _ ?! GIMME THAT!”

She barreled over and shoved herself between her partners, suddenly spreading her wings and knocking them aside. Her reddish-pink eyes widened, their pupils contracting into thin vertical slits, and she let out a roar of outrage before clubbing at the console with her huge clawed forepaw.

The Sphinx agent didn’t quite succeed in destroying the device, but she did manage to leave four great gouge marks in the casing with her claws. Recoiling, her back arched and her hair and feathers standing on end, she couldn’t bring herself to look at the console after that.

“No.  _ NO.  _ We are  _ not _ going there. We can’t. We won’t –”

“I… I don’t think we have a choice,” Falchion said finally, his voice oddly quiet while he pulled his beak out of the Sar-Plasm-encrusted wall. “We’re not the ones who decide the missions we get.”

“Perhaps Sarah thought the same thing before the fiasco that she and her partners went through just  _ yesterday _ !” his female partner snarled back. “I may be a lot older than her, but there is  _ no _ way I’ll be able to go through what may be the equivalent to  _ My Immortal  _ for one of my most favored manga without going  _ completely fucking berserk… _ ”

“I think all of us will probably lose it at some point,” the Skarmory replied. “Even Ripper. After all, he  _ is _ a derivation of Light Yagami.”

The  _ Deinonychus _ agent shrugged before going to pick up his Tau Cannon. “Besides, the PPC probably had to hunt down the fic anyway,” he added. “Judging from Falchion’s reaction, I have a feeling it will be extremely… how should I word this… fallow? Yes, let’s go with fallow.”

Rashida looked at them both with a pleading expression, but ultimately, she gave in. “This is _not_ going to be a good evening,” she growled. “I’m already having enough problems with one of the Stuvian characters we were supposed to _kill_ on my first Floater’s mission living under _my_ roof.”

“Rosie, please,” said Falchion. “Ripper’s a really good agent, at least to me. Maybe you should see his job performance for yourself. So, human disguises?”

Ripper fluffed his feathers a little, his lips curling back over his jagged teeth in what the other agents assumed was a smile. “I haven’t adjusted to a vertical spinal column for a very long time,” he said. “This is going to be an…  _ interesting _ hunt. For one thing, how will we be able to bring down our prey without using our claws and teeth?”

“Believe me, I’ve done it before,” Rashida growled, programming her disguise and portal coordinates. “And for the record,  _ Velociripper,  _ I still don’t trust you. Until you can demonstrate that you are absolutely  _ not _ going to kill us, betray us, or otherwise become a liability in any conceivable way, I will be keeping my eye on you throughout this mission. Understood?”

The  _ Deinonychus _ instinctively dropped his head and tail, flattening his feathers against his body in a gesture of submission. It was useless to challenge the alpha, especially when there were bigger things to worry about.

“Understood, Rashida,” he said simply.

Falchion gave Rashida a sympathetic look, upon which she flashed him an expression warning against trying anything funny as well. With that, the male agents programmed their disguises in as well, and one by one, the agents stepped through the portal and into the Word World beyond.

 

* * *

 

**Act One**

  * Soundtrack: _Death Note_ (2006 film) - [“A Heart Attack”](https://youtu.be/-f6UaG9Oa4c) \+ [“A Challenge”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MeaDogjPuk)



 

> **Light and Dark – The Adventures of Dark Yagami**
> 
> **_AN: Hi thanks for reading! Please rate high! Note this story has some cusses but its Light's dad that says them so its pretty funny. Also if you know what Light's mom is called please tell me lol!_ **

 

The Author’s Note screamed in its annoying tone overhead as three Japanese people stepped into the pre-fic space. The first was a dark-skinned woman with curly black hair, the second was a rather short young man with messy, equally black hair and glasses, and the third was another male, who looked around seventeen but also happened to be six feet tall, with reddish brown hair and hazel eyes.

Falchion blinked in surprise at Ripper’s disguise, which looked uncannily similar to Light Yagami in spite of the different hair and eye colors.

“Okay, seriously? Are you  _ trying _ to compensate for something?” the disguised Skarmory shot at his male partner. “Not in the sense that most people think, no, but, well… I mean, I’m older than you, so  _ I’m _ supposed to be the taller one! At least you’re even skinnier than I am, but still. And I don’t look like the freaking protagonist of the anime we’re visiting, either!”

Ripper shrugged, adjusting his grip on the wireless taser stun rifle which was actually his disguised Tau Cannon. “It was the best I could come up with. Apparently, the memory of my homefic affected my subconscious.”

Falchion laughed sarcastically, pulling out his switchblade and running his finger across the edge. “The irony! That’s exactly what happened on  _ my _ first mission as well!”

Rashida gave the agents a nasty look. “Are you two done fucking around? We haven’t even  _ started _ the badfic yet!”

 

> **Light and Dark – The Adventures of Dark Yagami**

 

“Never mind,” the Sphinx agent grumbled. “To use the modern parlance, this is going to  _ suck. _ ”

Ripper and Falchion both nodded in acknowledgment of this, and the former handed his rifle to the latter for safekeeping as the fic began.

 

> **It was a hot day and Light came home from school. As he got to his house he saw a strange car outside and he knew immediately it was not American because the wheel was on the wrong side. He walked in the front door to find his dad Soichiro and his mom (AN: I cant remember her name sorry!). They looked surprised to see him.**
> 
> **"Mom dad what's going on?" Light asked them. "Light we have something to tell you" said his dad while playing with his mustache.**
> 
> **"This is your twin brother Dark Yagami" they both said together, and pointed to the guy in the corner of the room.**
> 
> **Dark looked exactly the same as Light except that he had black hair and was dressed like Mello (but Light hadn't met mello yet so he didn't know that ;-) ). He got up and walked across the room.**
> 
> **"How could you not tell me about this!?" Light shouted like mad.**
> 
> **"We sent him to a top secret orphanage in Whales (its a town in England) where he would learn to be the next L. We can't tell anyone because its top secret and kira might find out and Kira might try to kill him" his mom said.**

 

Falchion and Rashida both stared at the Words, completely dumbfounded. They didn’t even care as the two Author’s Notes whizzed past them.

“Three paragraphs in and Light’s parents  _ already  _ mention the Stu?” Falchion squawked, shoving Ripper’s gun into his own Bag of Holding. “Without any explanation or foreshadowing whatsoever?! …I don’t know whether to laugh or start swearing.”

Ripper’s eyes widened at the sight of Dark Yagami, and his stomach growled audibly. Luckily, Light was too busy raging at his parents – which was, of course, completely OOC – to notice.

“That one. The young dark-maned male, right there,” the disguised  _ Deinonychus  _ said, pointing his gun at the black-haired version of Light, who was now watching the canon and his younger sister Sayu arguing. “He seems to be afflicted by a severe ailment of the disposition. That one is ours.”

“Damn  _ right _ he is,” Rashida snarled. “But we can’t kill him now. He’s too focused on the world around him, and besides, we don’t have enough charges yet.”

“Given the utter lack of both plot and grammar,” Falchion chuckled as he slipped his knife back on his belt, “we probably will in record time.”

 

> **"I hope I'm not interrupting anything!" It was Dark.**
> 
> **"Come on Dark I've got something to show you" Light said and they went into their room (Light's parents had made light's bed into a double bed (I know what your thinking sickos no theres no slash!)).**
> 
> **Light put the pencil in the door to stop people listening and said "I'm Kira".**
> 
> **Dark immediately shooted "I know it!"**
> 
> **"Your a worthy successor to L I know why your his successor now." Light said.**

 

While the nested Author’s Note zoomed past, Dark pulled out a gun and fired a banner that said, “I know it!” Falchion shook his head at the sorry sight, but then he heard something else.

“What’s that flapping noise?” was all he could say before he was suddenly assaulted by a flock of flying books. Flapping their pages like wings, they mobbed the startled Armor Bird Pokémon, who cried out and tried to beat them off.

Rashida snatched one out of the air and read the cover. It was a small, animate Death Note, but instead of the words “Death Note” on its cover, it had a single word:  **light’s** .

“A  _ Death Note _ mini?” the disguised Sphinx asked in confusion. “Wait. This thing is the same size as a canonical Death Note. What should we call it?”

“As long as they stop attacking me, I’m okay with anything!” Falchion cried out, still waving his arms around. The other books, labeled  **mello** ,  **kira** , and  **light** , attempted to dodge his flailing limbs, with little success.

Ripper snatched kira from the flock and looked at it, a small smile on his face. “We can call them Defect Notes. And I’m keeping this one, for obvious reasons.”

“You want a Death Note of your own?” asked Rashida skeptically.

“I  _ am _ a shameless imitation of Light. I might as well complete the mimicry if we are to attract this ‘Dark Yagami’.”

“Original character, Donut Steel~!” Falchion quipped in a singsong voice, having managed to swat down the other three Defect Notes. The books still flapped about a little on the ground while he picked them up.

“How many chapters are there, anyway?” he asked.

Rashida gave him an expression of absolute hopelessness. “Forty-eight,” she replied.

Ripper’s stomach growled again. “I hope we won’t have to journey through all of them,” he said. “I need meat, and I need it quickly.”

 

> **"Don't worry bro I wont tell anyone. In fact I have a death note of my own." Dark replied pulling a blood red notebook out of pants (he put it there in case his bags was searched).**
> 
> **"Hey your death note is a different colour to mine" he said pointing to the black death note in Light's draw.**
> 
> **"Stop saying colour! Your in America now! Its color!" Light replied exaspirated.**

 

Another Defect Note,  **death note** , flew in and smacked Rashida’s head with the corner of its spine. She snatched the mini and rubbed the spot where it had hit her with a snarl of anger.

“This manga. Takes place. In  _ Japan _ . You.  _ Idiots, _ ” she growled.

 

> **"This is my shinigami" he said and light saw a big monster appear. He was like twice the size of Ruyk and had a big mowhawk made of blood and skulls. Even Light was scarred of him. He was eating bananas like Ruyk ate apples but they were blood bananas made of blood.**

 

As the Shinigami appeared, Light suddenly sported scars all over his body.

Falchion and Rashida both gazed in awe at the Shinigami, but Ripper smelled the blood bananas first. He had to refrain himself from leaping in and snatching them, lest he spook the herd prematurely.

Meanwhile, another Defect Note,  **Ruyk** , joined the others.

“Are we  _ done _ with this chapter yet?!” Rashida groaned. “This is so  _ stupid!  _ We may have to skip a few chapters to save time. And our collective sanity.”

“And if we have to navigate each chapter one at a time, I would probably starve,” Ripper added. “I don’t know if we will miss anything by bypassing chapters that aren’t necessary, but maybe it could be worth trying.”

 

> **_"MY NAME IS BLUD"_ ** **said Blud as he kept eating the blood banana** **_"I AM THE NEW KING OF THE SHINIGAMI AND I HAVE A SPECIAL DEATH NOTE_ **
> 
> **_THAT KILLS ANYONE WHOS NAME IS WRITTEN IN IT EVEN IF YOU DONT KNOW THERE FACE OR NAME"_ **
> 
> **"I have to unpack now said Dark**
> 
> **"Ok I will leave you to it" Light replied and exited the door.**

 

A stray quotation mark, an apostrophe, and a bunch of commas landed on the ground around the agents. Rashida was scribbling so angrily into her notebook that she actually tore up the page.

“Too… much… emphasis… no… respect… for… punctuation… Falchion, what are you  _ doing?! _ ”

Falchion had taken out a video camera and filmed a brief video of Dark taking  **his cellphone out of his special place** .

“Is that the camera you had on your first mission?” his female partner asked in disbelief. “I thought I took that thing away after you filmed all those tickle-fetish scenes!”

“Well, I found it, didn’t I?” the Skarmory agent replied with a smirk. “I could  _ not _ go into this mission without making sure I recorded what happened. And yes, everything I’m gonna record is  _ definitely  _ going on the mission report!”

Rashida glared at him, but didn’t argue.

 

> **"I am D" Dark said "I have killed Mello and stolen his clothes and run away from Watari's house."**
> 
> **"What?! But Watari would have told me if M was dead." L said shockingly.**
> 
> **"I also killed Watari" said Dark who was playing with his red death note.**
> 
> **L looked around his room. Watari was still standing in the corner just like he always did.**
> 
> **"But who's this with me then" L asked?**
> 
> **"A fake"**
> 
> **At that moment Watari took his mask off and it was (GASP!) Light's dad!**
> 
> **"Die you pies of shit!" Soichiro said as he pulled out his gun and pointed it at Ls head.**
> 
> **TO BE CONTINUED!? (yes!)**

 

With that, Chapter One ended. Having managed to keep his balance during the scene shift, Falchion had unfortunately managed to film the precise moment when L had turned into a bunch of  _ very _ smelly, disgusting-looking pies.

“Ewww, gross!” he grumbled, pinching his nose shut. “I did  _ not _ want flashbacks to that stinky mini-boulder I accidentally gave away during the New Year’s Gift Exchange!”

“And it’s only going to get worse from here, isn’t it?” said Rashida, covering her nose and mouth with the collar of her shirt.

“Judging from the scent of L’s manure, he seems…  _ disturbingly _ unhealthy,” said Ripper. “Though I don’t know whether that’s because he has become more ignorant than he’s supposed to be or because he’s turned  _ into _ manure.”

“What fucking difference does it make?!” Rashida growled through clenched teeth, opening a portal to Chapter Two. The agents promptly hopped through and closed the portal, leaving the malodorous end of the first chapter behind.

They passed by two copies of  **FLASHBACK: 1 month ago** before landing in Wammy’s House (labeled as  **Watari House, England** in the fic).

 

> **Mello was sitting in his dorm eating a chocolate bar. The floor was covered in lots of chocolate bar wrappers which went crunch when Mello stood on them.**
> 
> **There was a knock on the door.**
> 
> **"Come in!" said mello putting down his chocolate.**
> 
> **The door spun open to reveal Dark standing wearing a dressing gown with a posh letter D on the back. He had an evil smile on his face and an even eviller one in his heart.**

 

The agents were not sure what was weirder: Mello in what looked like a college dorm, the chocolate bar wrappers saying “crunch” beneath his feet, or Dark’s bathrobe having a picture of a capital D with a top-hat and monocle along with a speech bubble reading, “I say!”

Ripper felt his mouth begin to water, apparently sensing the evil smile inside Dark’s chest. Somehow.

“Judging from Dark’s physique, he may not offer as much in terms of muscle mass as would be desired, but his heart and liver would likely be the healthiest and tastiest parts,” he said, earning a rather disturbed expression from Falchion.

“We haven’t gotten enough charges yet, though I’m sure that’ll change soon,” the Skarmory grumbled. “You’re supposed to think of the Duty and not your appetite!”

“For me, they are one and the same,” Ripper responded with a cold, almost reptilian smile, which didn‘t exactly help matters.

The agents watched Mello remove his  **close** and reveal  **a set of black boxer shorts printed with lots of posh letter Ms** , all of which had top hats and monocles like the D on Dark’s bathrobe. Then Dark pulled out his gun from earlier and shot Mello dead.

Rashida roared like a lion and cursed at the top of her voice, prompting Falchion to grab her by the back of the collar, open a portal, and throw her through in one swift motion. Ripper, meanwhile, had grabbed Mello’s dead body; Falchion opened a portal to Medical for his male partner to make the delivery. Then they did the same thing with Watari, whom Dark had killed while they were busy, and finally joined Rashida once again.

“WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!” the disguised Sphinx roared.

“You’re welcome,” Falchion replied dryly.

The agents had landed in the  **PRESENT DAY** , and were now watching L escaping from a now deranged Sochiro. Falchion would be haunted for weeks by the traumatized expression on L’s face, which was certainly appropriate after being turned into excrement for almost an entire chapter.

L managed to reason with Sochiro by claiming that Dark had killed Mello and Watari, and that Dark was Kira. The agents decided to portal to Chapter 3 right after that.

“So, aside from Mello and Watari, how many canons do we have to get to Medical, FicPsych, or what have you?” asked Falchion.

“All of them,” Rashida growled. “Though indeed, I guess I must thank you both for taking care of those two.”

“Those were  _ healthy _ canons,” said Ripper. “At least they should be. We couldn’t just leave them to die before they actually did.”

 

> **BACK AT LIGHT'S HOUSE**
> 
> **BACK AT LIGHT'S HOUSE**
> 
> **Light switched on the news. There were lots of evil people on tv so he wrote their names down and killed them. Dark meanwhile was still unpacking his box which was full of detective stuff he had been given while he was at Watari's house.**
> 
> **The door bell rang and Light shouted I'll get it! He ran down the stairs and opened the door. It was Misa!**
> 
> **Misa was wearing a lacy dress but it wasn't all goth like her old one. Instead it was white and had blue skirt which was short.**

 

The agents winced as the author’s voice rang “I’ll get it!” overhead.

“Aaaand charge for ruining Misa’s fashion sense,” Rashida growled, watching Light and Misa exchange greetings and flirting.

A few moments later, Sayu  **came out the closet (get it!? : P ).** The Sphinx agent swatted the Author’s Note aside and bared her teeth as she watched her talk with her brother, Misa, and the Stu.

“How the fuck does she know that Light, Dark,  _ and _ Misa are  _ all Kira?! _ ” she spat.

“The Stu may have planted that knowledge in her head,” Falchion suggested.

“An additional charge for making canonical herd members know too much is in order, then,” said Ripper. “Did he tell her beforehand?”

“Apparently not, but if he’s able to implant thoughts into peoples’ heads directly rather than through the Suefluence, then may the gods have mercy on us all,” said Rashida.

“Let’s just skip this part,” said Falchion, checking the Words. “Apparently, Dark’s gonna walk in on Misa and Sayu making out.”

Rashida’s fingers curled like claws. “They have  _ sex _ in this badfic too?!” she shouted.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Falchion said sadly. “And much as I’d like to record  _ that _ , it’s only gonna waste our time. Well, most of it.”

“If we can catch some of the faultier sex scenes, though, it may be worth documenting these characters’ shameless attempts at courtship,” said Ripper. “Humans presumably have their own mating protocols much like other animals do, and violations of these protocols can be listed as charges.”

“Doesn’t Bad Slash take care of exactly that sort of bullshit?” Rashida growled under her breath, but a moment later she opened a portal to Chapter Four without any further complaint.

 

> **_AN: There seems to be something wrong with my account it keeps posting the first line twice sorry! Also contains Naomi/OC and Takada/OC (real hot!)_ **
> 
> **_AN: There seems to be something wrong with my account it keeps posting the first line twice sorry! Also contains Naomi/OC and Takada/OC (real hot!)_ **

 

The agents winced as the Author’s Note repeated overhead.

“Okay, you know what I said about ‘Donut Steel’?” said Falchion.

“If any OCs show up, they’re automatically on our shit-list unless they can prove otherwise,” Rashida snarled. “And yes, Ripper, when we’re done, I’m feeding them all to you.”

The raptor-temporarily-turned-human blinked at her in surprise. “I thought you said you didn’t trust me.”

“I still don’t, but I guess it would be useless to argue with you about it. I can’t and won’t condone your actions in the least, of course, but you aren’t the  _ worst _ individual I’ve met. From what Falchion told me of you, and from what we’ve seen, you were created  _ specifically  _ as a threat to the characters, and ended up being shafted because of exactly that. Most Sues, Stus, or what-have-you shamelessly overshadow their continua and the canons involved, so as long as you don’t fuck around in this way, I’ll take you at any time over, well…  _ all of this. _ ”

“Duly noted.”

 

> **THE NEXT DAY**
> 
> **Naomi walked in the front door of the police and asked at the desk for L. The woman behind the desk was hot looking and also she was bi.**
> 
> **"Hi! I'm Naomi! I need to speak to L!!" she shouted urgently "Kira killed my husband and I think I no who he is!!"**
> 
> **"So that means your single" the desk lady winked?**
> 
> **Naomi was taken at back. This desk lady was coming onto her?**
> 
> **"Naomi spelled backwards is I Moon" added the desk lady flirtyly.**

 

Falchion and Rashida both turned away from the bizarre scene, which had interpreted what the desk lady was doing in the most literal sense. Ripper, meanwhile, could only stare in morbid fascination.

“I have a question,” the disguised  _ Deinonychus _ asked, trying to sound calm. “How much time and effort does it usually take for a human female to reach peak breeding stimulation?”

“We don’t know or care,” Rashida snarled. “Charge for making someone peak using speech  _ alone _ . I should’ve brought Suebuprofen for both of you. Did you tape that, Falchion?”

“Um… No,” the Skarmory replied.

“ _ Good. _ ”

After neuralyzing the desk lady, the agents skipped past Naomi visiting L’s office and headed back to Light’s house. Or rather,  **LIGHTS HOUSE** .

 

> **It was the early morning and Light and Dark were in bed together but only because there parents were to poor to get separate rooms its not like their gay or anything! Light came all over the bed from the window of the room. Dark reached round and grabbed the cock from the table. It was seven oclock.**
> 
> **"** **_WHEN CAN I HAVE MY BREAKFAST IT IS ALREADY SEVEN AND IN THE SHINIGAMI WORLD I WOULD EAT LIKE A DOZEN MEALS BY NOW BECAUSE I AM KING. PLEASE GET ME A BLOOD BANANA._ ** **" Said Blud as he danced around the rrom. Dark laughed at the dance it was like the Ketchup Song but it was about blood not ketchup though shinigami sometimes used blood as ketchup because it was blood. His mowhawk was bouncing everywhere. It was like the one on sonic the hedgehog but it was not blue.**

 

While the agents gawked at the sight of Blud dancing around, a miniature humanoid figure made of water with bright green eyes and a visible brain appeared next to them.

“Looks like we’ve got ourselves a  _ Sonic the Hedgehog  _ mini,” said Falchion.

“A mini-Chaos,” said Rashida. “The main antagonist of  _ Sonic Adventure. _ And this one would be  **sonic the hedgehog** , of course.”

“Maybe we should send it away? I don’t feel like adopting it,” the Skarmory replied.

They promptly sent the mini to the Mini Adoption Agency and continued watching the badfic play out. Blud, of course, received his blood bananas from Dark.

“I was correct to avoid the bananas, apparently,” said Ripper, checking the Words. “The fruit is apparently poisonous.”

“But not to a Shinigami,” Falchion muttered. “Go figure.”

 

> **BACK AT THE POLICE!!**

 

The agents were knocked off their feet by a scene shift, and landed in a heap on top of each other. Falchion ended up face-first in a very uncomfortable place, and received a slap in the face from Rashida for his trouble. Before she could scold him, a disembodied voice cried,  **"Kira is…… Mikami!"**

While the agents picked themselves up, Soichi and L continued talking, and another Defect Note,  **Lights dad** , appeared.

“How stupid has this Stu  _ made _ these guys, anyway?!” Falchion shrieked, still nursing the handprint on his face. “I get that they don’t know that Light is Kira until near the end of the series, but they shouldn’t guess this many wrong answers before that!”

Another scene shift promptly knocked them over again. Thankfully, the Skarmory agent ended up sprawled on the ground this time.

“I lost any hope for this pile of  _ khara  _ after the very first paragraph,” Rashida snarled, watching the character who was presumably Naomi reveal herself to actually be  **TAKADA!!**

 

> **AT MIKAMIS HOUSE IN A HELICOPTER**

 

The agents found themselves inside Teru Mikami’s house, which was somehow inside a gigantic helicopter that was now flying over the city. There was a brief fight sequence where Mikami got  **killed in the leg** , and then died when he tried to say who Kira’s name was ( **"I'll tell you! It's Light Yaga……." Then he died.** ).

L promptly and uncanonically flipped out, punching the wall and making  **a big whole.**

“So L just heard part of Kira’s name and he assumes that Mikami didn’t tell him the name at all?!” Rashida snarled.

Falchion couldn’t take it anymore. He had to lean against the  **JANITORS CUPBOARD** nearby to avoid falling flat on his face as he let out a screeching fit of side-splitting laughter.

“Brother!” Ripper cried out in alarm. “Are you okay?!”

“I’m fine,” Falchion replied, wiping the tears from his face with his sleeve. “It’s just… I had no idea that this would be the most hilarious thing I have ever been through! I  _ should _ be pissed off on a  _ grand  _ scale, and deep down, I am. I don’t know as much about this continuum as you guys do, and even  _ I  _ can’t even begin to describe how awful this fic is. But that’s what makes it so funny!”

Before the others could comment, however, they heard a whimpering noise from inside the cupboard, and immediately, Rashida rushed over and flung the door open.

Two naked women screamed from within. Ripper was less concerned about their lack of clothing than the fact that the one who looked like Takada was holding a very wet cleaning instrument.

“I’ll take care of this,” the disguised  _ Deinonychus _ said, motioning for Falchion to fetch him his Tau Cannon. “Takada/Naomi, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a character replacement on account of the following charges: replacing two different characters and claiming that they are one and the same; making someone climax without any preliminary courtship rituals; performing unnatural courtship rituals with a nameless bit character of the same gender along with a  _ mop _ , of all things; and acting in a fashion that would be completely unfit for the survival of either of the two canons you have been impersonating. Your so-called consort is charged with compliance for all this, but your ailment of character renders you far more vulnerable.”

“I dont understand what this mean?” Takada/Naomi whimpered.

“In other words,” Ripper replied, snatching his taser rifle from his partner and aiming it at her with a menacing grin, “I am going to kill you.”

The desk lady  **started screaming** and bolted out of the closet, but Rashida grabbed her by the shoulder and stopped her from blindly jumping out of the giant helicopter. There was an almost inhuman shriek of pain behind them, and when they turned around, Tadaka/Naomi’s naked body was already smoking and giving off the smell of cooked pork.

As the badfic dictated, Blud had witnessed Tadaka/Naomi’s death, but the agents were safely hidden from his view, so he was not aware of their presence as he reported this to Light.

“What was  _ that?! _ ” the bit character cried out, horrified and still completely in the buff.

“Someone you shouldn’t have met,” Rashida growled, opening a portal beneath the replacement’s corpse and letting it drop through. “I thought I neuralyzed you earlier, but apparently, the badfic wasn’t quite done with you.”

The group heard a splash and a crunching noise from the other side of the portal before the Sphinx agent closed it.

“Badfic? What’s a badfic?” The desk lady covered her mouth, a bit taken aback that with Tadaka gone, she could now speak with better grammar.

The agents all looked blankly at the nude desk lady. “We’ll be happy to explain if you come with us,” said Ripper, picking up and examining the mop that had most unfortunately gotten involved in the whole mess. “We’ve got plenty to discuss, assuming all of us live.”

Rashida continued glaring at her as she opened up a portal to the next chapter. “And for  _ neik _ ’s sake,” she hissed, “will you  _ please _ put some clothes on?!”

The agents quickly skimmed past Chapter 5, which consisted of several flashback sequences involving another canon, Matt, encountering a guy named  **Yotsuba** and getting involved in a fatal vehicle accident, Dark attacking Light for apparently killing Tadaka (apparently, Light and Blud only cared that Tadaka was dead and not exactly how she died), and L plotting to kill  **Light’s mom!**

“That would be Sachiko Yagami,” Rashida growled.

The desk lady, who had dressed in the clothes that Tadaka/Naomi had discarded (a bare-shouldered blouse, long pants, high heels, and a jacket), had to struggle to keep up with the group. By the time they reached the start of Chapter 6, she had to grab onto the Sphinx agent’s shoulder to stop herself keeling over from exhaustion.

 

> **This is probably the last chapter though I may add some more after ~ it all depends whether people like it**
> 
> **_This is probably the last chapter though I may add some more after ~ it all depends whether people like it! VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_ **

 

“We don’t,” said Falchion. “We truly, honestly, decisively  _ don’t _ .”

The group watched L pull out a glittery, white book with the words  **life note** on the cover. Rashida facepalmed.

“I cannot agree with you more, Falchion,” she snarled, her hand muffling her voice a little.

The agents were promptly thrown off-balance by another scene shift, which took them to  **LIGHTS AND DARKS HOUSE** .

As the agents and the bit picked themselves up, they were joined by yet another Defect Note,  **LIGHTS** . And a moment later, Ripper smelled something glittery, and the agents looked down to see a miniature version of Dark glaring up at them.

“A mini-Stu?” he said in surprise, fidgeting with his gun. “Interesting. I suppose the improper spelling that has been plaguing this fic may have contributed to –”

There was a loud ZAP and a scream from the desk lady. Ripper had “accidentally” vaporized the top half of  **DARKS** the mini-Stu with his Tau Cannon, leaving a pair of suspicious-looking ham hocks with little shoes behind. Ripper promptly picked them up and pocketed them for later.

“So, do you have a name?” he asked to the desk lady, who was looking at him with a horrified expression. “All of us do. Some of us choose our own names, while others have them given to us.”

“I… I don’t have a name,” she replied, trying to pretend as though nothing had happened. “I don’t know why. Do you want me to think of one?”

“That would be a good idea,” said Rashida. “We’d rather not refer to you constantly as ‘the desk lady with a mop’.”

The nameless bit shuddered at the mention of the mop, and then shuddered a second time at the scene unfolding before the agents.  **Light's mom jumped through the door and said in a strange voice that was not hers "I AM L. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE KIRA DARK YAGAMI AND I AM GOING TO REVEAL IT TO THE WORLD AND THEN ARREST YOU LATER"** .

In the ensuing commotion, Sachiko died due to L’s Death Note, and was resurrected by his “life note”, complete with  **a blinding flash of light and a noise like a bunch of angles signing** .

The desk lady closed her eyes, trying not to think about the sheer stupidity of what she had just seen, and then a thought occurred to her.

“Is Nakamura Aiko okay?” she asked. “Nakamura is a common surname, while Aiko means ‘love child’, and love has always been part of my existence, like it or not…”

“Well, nobody from the  _ Death Note _ continuum has that name,” said Rashida. “Let’s go with that. You can also define your appearance now that you’re free from the constraints of the badfic.”

“Hmmm… I like having wavy black hair and dark brown eyes. Does that help?”

Falchion smiled and stroked Aiko’s hair, which had turned jet-black as soon as she’d spoken. “Certainly! Oh, and by the way, we’re part of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, an organization that specializes in cleaning up the mess that bad fanfic leaves behind. So… yeah.”

“We have to skip the rest of this chapter,” said Rashida. “It’s Dark being sent to prison, breaking out of prison, and a false ending with Dark, Misa, Sayu, and Light preparing to have a foursome, plus Yotsuba finding Matt’s Death Note. Oh, and Blud works for L. Just FYI.”

Falchion suppressed a fit of laughter with difficulty.

“So, Blud is actually  _ against  _ the Stu,” Ripper mused. “Interesting. If we can catch him before he ends up reaching the figurative event horizon of Stu-ness, this could work in our favor.”

“Wait… You said there was a false ending?!” Aiko cried out. “You mean there’s more?!”

Rashida opened a portal to the start of Chapter 7 and glared at them all. “Believe me,” she growled, “the madness has only just begun.”

 

* * *

 

**Act Two**

  * Soundtrack: _Death Note_ (2006 film) - [“A Reality”](https://youtu.be/W6ftbs74jXc) \+ _Death Note_ \- [“Low of Solipsism”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuz3RAcDG6M)



 

> **_THANKS FOR LOVIN MY STORY! AND THE CRIT! I WILL STOOP PUTTING NOTES IN BRACKETS! (EXCPET THIS ONE LOL!)_ **

 

The agents all flinched at the Author’s Note once again, and Aiko actually covered her ears.

“What was that?!” she wailed.

“None of your gods-damned business,” Rashida growled.

“Rosie!” Falchion squawked at her. “Can’t we at least explain this to her?”

Then a noise like a falling cartoon anvil reached their ears. Rashida stiffened.

“No time for that! Everyone,  _ RUN!!! _ ”

 

> **BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**
> 
> **The nuclear bom went off like a bom and blew up the street and some houses and a car too .**

 

The group barely escaped the blast zone. Apparently, a  **nuclear bom** was a lot less powerful than an actual nuclear bomb.

When the mushroom cloud settled, the agents stopped and looked back. They were quite a distance away from the so-called canons, so they had to rely on the Words to guess that Dark had just been involved in a  **sevensome** that had in fact involved six people.

“Charge for the obvious, along with utter incompetence in terms of both nuclear physics and  _ simple math, _ ” Rashida growled, tearing up the current page on her notebook. “Oh, the horror.”

The agents portaled their way back to Light’s house, just in time to witness Dark jump out the window; the Stu  **fell like 20 feet and landed on a barbeque which was on but he was hard so he didn't catch fire and he ate a burger as he looked at the big hole that the bom had made in the road.**

“What. The. Actual. Flock,” said Falchion, his smile broadening. And then he doubled over laughing a second time.

“Why are you laughing?!” Rashida cried over the sudden screams of Dark and Soichiro.

“Because the awfulness of this badfic is funny for once! I’ve never run into a badfic that was like this before!”

“You think this is funny?! The only thing even remotely funny is how poorly this badfic represents this continuum!  _ What in Bastet’s name is your problem?! _ ”

“Oh, come on, Rosie! Lighten up! Isn’t it best to laugh at the things that bad writing does?”

 

> **Dark put on a spacesuit and stepped out into thw hole. It was the biggest hole hae had ever seen because it was as big as a bus and nearly as deep. The middle was all radiactiv so he had to make sure he dint stand in the radiactiv that had coverd stuff in green.**
> 
> **In the middle was a tall slimy man covered in green with a magic death note.**
> 
> **"HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I AM YOTSUBAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the man said being all creepy because he had dead in the bom and was a ghost. "USE YOUR LIFE NOTE TO SAVE MEEEEEEE BEFORE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!"**

 

The grisly sight of the half-melted green blob that was apparently Yotsuba made Falchion stop laughing at once, and it only got worse when Dark  **light noted him back to life.**

“Not always,” Rashida answered.

As Dark and Yotsuba confronted each other, four more mini-Stus –  **derk, yotsuba, Drak,** and  **Darks** – appeared. They all met the same fate as the first one.

“We’ll have to skip to the end of this chapter before I go crazy,” said Rashida. “Basically, Dark dies and becomes king of the shinigami. And Light becomes an ogre. Somehow.”

“Um, what?” asked Aiko.

Rashida checked the Words just ahead and gnashed her teeth. “Just before Dark gets shot, the fic says,  **"Let's stay calm and not do anything rash!" shreked Light dancing around like a little girl.** ”

“We  _ have _ to get that on tape,” said Falchion, ignoring his female partner’s hostile glare. “It’ll look great on the mission report!”

Aiko stifled a laugh. “Since when do people dance while saying to keep calm? That’s just silly.”

“This fic isn’t taking itself seriously anymore, isn’t it?” asked Falchion.

Ripper shrugged. “Apparently, it didn’t take itself seriously at  _ all _ .”

After recording Dark’s “death”, including the brief instance of Shrek!Light, the agents portaled past the next scene shift to somewhere  **IN THE SHINIGAMI WORLD!** There, they ran into Dark confronting Blud… 

 

> **"Now I have bcome the new king of the shinigami!" roared Dark as he shot Blud** (using his “I know it!” gun, of course)  **and took his royal death note and blood bananas.**
> 
> **"BEFORE I DIE DO ONE THING FOR ME! GIVE…… ME… A…… BLOOD … B…A…N…A…N…N…A…N…A"**
> 
> **So BLud ate a blood banana and died happy.**
> 
> **"Now time to maek a few changes around here!" said Dark turning into a shinigami. He was as a big as a bus and was wearing leather pants which dint hide his super big man thingy which was the size of a bus and twice as wide. His hair was every color of the rainbow but only in dark black like oil or something. His seventy-nine eyes all burned a diffrent shed of red except one which was gold because it contained the tiny good part of his sole.**
> 
> **His deathnote changed too. It turned rainbow black like his oily hair and got new words on it. And they said…………….… EVERYTHING NOTE!**
> 
> **_"NOW I CAN DO EVERYTHING!"_ ** **he mumbled**
> 
> **THIS MUST BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

 

Among the four witnesses, only Ripper lacked an expression of stark horror.

“If we succeed in today’s hunt,” the disguised  _ Deinonychus _ said with a menacing smile, “I could derive sustenance from his genitalia alone for at least a month.”

Rashida retched, coughed, and spat something slimy onto the ground. Aiko purposely avoided looking at Dark’s horrific new form, and stared down at the slimy thing in disgust and horror.

“Since when did people throw up hairballs?!” she cried.

“Confession time,” Falchion replied sheepishly. “None of us are actually human.”

Aiko looked at all three of them. “You look human!”

“And so did Dark before he expanded his dong,” the disguised Skarmory replied, shrugging. “Of course, he’s what you’d call a Gary Stu. He takes over the story and makes everyone either suck up to him or hate his guts. The female equivalent is a Mary Sue.”

“As agents, we have a Duty to charge and assassinate Mary Sues,” said Rashida. “Sometimes we hire them, if they can prove that they aren’t threats to the continuum.”

“But more often,” said Ripper, munching on a glittery piece of meat, “we will take a Mary Sue… and  _ eat her. _ ”

“E-eat her?!” Aiko yelped.

“Ignore Ripper,” Rashida growled. “He’s a sick bastard who shouldn’t be left in proximity to people. See, he may look like a person now, but he’s actually a predatory dinosaur – a  _ Deinonychus _ , to be precise. His home continuum is the  _ Jurassic Park _ franchise of books and films. Likewise, Falchion is a Skarmory, a Steel/Flying-type avian creature from the  _ Pokémon _ series of video games. And I am a Sphinx, a mythical animal with the body of a lion and the head of a woman, and I come from an original continuum of my author’s creation.”

“I don’t understand any of that,” said Aiko.

“You will once we get rid of Dark,” said Rashida. “Now, shall we get going?”

“Wait a moment,” said Ripper. “We need to charge Blud. I think.”

Dark had apparently headed off to Chapter Eight, so the agents were able to find the rather large Shinigami quite easily.

“Do Shinigami die?” asked Falchion. “They are spirits of death, so if they pass away, who tends to them?”

“They die naturally,” said Rashida, taking out her neuralyzer. “They need to kill people to extend their own lifespans. Anyway, here goes…”

Everyone closed their eyes as the device went off.

_ FLASH! _

“You are not dead,” said Rashida. “You just passed out for a few moments and Dark left you. You are waking up now.”

Blud sat up, rubbing his head. “ _ OKAY WHATS GOING ON HERE _ ” he asked.

“If only we knew,” said Falchion. “Blud, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Gary Stu by proxy on account of the following charges: creating blood bananas (made of blood); having a Death Note that defies all sense of logic; having no sense of grammar, format, or capitalization; and aiding and abetting a Gary Stu.”

“We are agents of the PPC,” said Ripper. “We have been tracking a certain Dark Yagami for an indeterminate amount of time, and we have been attempting to clean up after his destructive rampage. We would normally kill you for your crimes against the canon, but if you wish to help us bring down our prey, we will make an exception.”

Rashida gave her partner a surprised and angry look. “ _ Ibn al-sharmoota,  _ not you too!” she growled.

“Did you see Dark’s new form?” asked Ripper. “We may need some additional assistance in this endeavor. Besides, shouldn’t Blud be upset with Dark for backstabbing and abandoning him like that?”

The Sphinx agent looked at Blud, sighed in defeat, and took out a large syringe and jabbed it into his arm. “Logicillin,” she said. “If we are to work together, we might as well communicate properly.”

Blud blinked in confusion; his mohawk started turning from blood into bright red hair, with the skulls woven in like jewelry. “So, what are you doing in the Shinigami Realm?” he asked, before blinking in shock. “Was that my voice? Was that really  _ my _ voice?” He burst out into laughter a moment later.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Aiko said in a frightened whisper. “I’m putting my trust in these three for now. After all, it’s Dark we should be afraid of.”

Blud let out another chilling laugh. “Oh, that Dark… I should have  _ known _ he would do what he did after I helped arrest him,” he said in an oddly lighthearted voice. “Now, what am I to do?”

“Help us kill him,” Rashida snarled. “If we work together, we can put an end to his reign of terror  _ permanently _ .”

Blud’s face broke out into a grin. “Let’s do it!”

“You seem to be more trusting of badfic characters than you used to,” said Ripper. “When we first met, you weren’t afraid to try and kill me. And now, well, here we are. What ailment has befallen you?”

“Development,” the Sphinx replied sarcastically, opening a portal. “The first half of Chapter Eight consists of Dark having a party as  **DU’ARQ** , the new king of the Shinigami, but we may have to witness the other half of that chapter.”

“I wonder how that could happen,” said Blud. “Surely, being human, Dark cannot technically become king of the Shinigami…”

“Since when has that stopped him?” Falchion replied with a dry smile, and with that, the group stepped through the portal.

 

> **Watari who was not dead because he had CPR was watching lost when suddenly they was a newsflash. A monser was attacking new york! And that minster was…….. DU'RAQ!**
> 
> **HE ran over the building and jumoed over the couch and a fire and found himself in Ls room.**
> 
> **"MASTER!" he roared bristihly! "THAT FOOLISH WANKER DA'URQ IS IN NEW YORK AND HES KILLING SOME POOR SODS!"**
> 
> **Then he gasped all scandalsed and stuff. L was in bed sexing! And the person he was sexing was……………….. Light!**

 

To be precise, Watari had run vertically up the side of the building, jumped over a couch and a random fire, and somehow teleported into  **Ls** room. Another Defect Note promptly joined the agents, who were now staring at the horrific slash scene before them.

“How, in the ever-loving  _ fuck _ , does CPR  _ reverse death?! _ ” Rashida roared. “And why was Watari dead in the first place?! They didn’t say he was!”

Two more mini-Stus,  **DU’RAQ** and  **DA’URQ** , showed up… and were promptly seized and devoured by Blud.

“They’re not blood bananas, but they’ll do just fine,” he said cheerily. “And how do I say something  **britishly** ? It sounds quite amusing.”

“That should not be possible,” Ripper mused, casually eating his other mini-Stu hock. “That is grammatically incorrect, and I don’t think humans can vocalize like that normally.”

“You know what, screw it,” Rashida snarled. “Almost everybody’s been replaced, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Let’s just get the canons that were affected minimally back to their home continuum, kill Dark, and get out of here.”

“Replaced?” asked Aiko. “Does that mean my whole world is a lie?!”

“Unfortunately, yes,” said Falchion.

“We’ll have to skip to the next chapter,” said Rashida. “Dark’s going to blow up the helicopter! The replacements escape, though, so we’ll have to wait a little before stopping them.”

The other agents nodded, and with that, they all fled through a portal into the next chapter.

By the time they got past the next Author’s Note ( **_I GOT FIFETENHUNDERD VIEWS ON THIS FIC! THANX FOR THE READINGS! YOU GUYS ARE ROCK!!!! ALSO I JUTS READ TWILIGHT. ITS ALL GIRLY BUT EMET IS BADASS!_ ** ), the agents were joined by two more Defect Notes,  **watari** and  **Ight** . A moment later, a wolf the size of a chihuahua with glittery fur joined them as well.

“Dear Arceus, how many minis is this fic gonna produce?!” asked Falchion, looking down at  **EMET** in surprise.

“I don’t care,” Rashida growled. “I don’t want  _ any _ of them!”

“Not even kira?” asked Ripper.

“I want nothing to do with this fic after we’re done! Present company excluded, of course, but, well…”

Light, L, and  **Atari** (which spawned another Defect Note with the Atari logo on the cover) plummeted for quite a long time, and the former two had plenty of the good stuff on the way down. At the same time, Blud swatted aside  **Dark Yamiga** the mini-Stu and watched them get busy, his eyelid twitching.

“What is L  _ doing?! _ ” he cried. “I thought we were supposed to be in cahoots before you people stepped in! He shouldn’t be allied with Light, let alone… uh…”

“Having the good ol’ sixty-nine?” Falchion finished with an impish grin. Rashida bopped him on the head an instant later.

 

> **They laned in the street and ran to ls other plane which was a harriar jump jet and was painted with all pink and lame and not badass like darks jump jet which was black and had skull and crossbones and a turbo and a spoiler 2. They rocketed into the sky like a rocket and landed on Darks giant dude thingy which was big enough to land a plane on so they did.**
> 
> **"Brother!" roared L**
> 
> **"STOP!" screamed light like a girl.**
> 
> **"LISSEN YOU F-CKING WANKER!"**
> 
> **Dark lissened to Watari because he was a bad arse and wielding too sniper rifles one in each hand.**
> 
> **"TELL US WHAT THE WANK YOU ARE BLOODY DOING?????"**
> 
> **Dark said in his shinigamiest voice** **_"I AM THE NEW KING OF THE SHINIGAMI AND HAS THE EVEYTHING NOTE!"_ **

 

Rashida tore at her hair and let out another animalistic roar of anger, stomping two more mini-Stus to a glittery pulp. “THIS IS FUCKING  _ RIDICULOUS! _ Dark’s…  _ thing…  _ was explicitly stated to be as long as a  _ bus! _ HOW DO YOU LAND A FUCKING FIGHTER JET ON SOMETHING THAT SMALL?!”

“It looked big enough to me,” said Falchion, aiming his camera at the carnage before them.

“Oh, fuck off, you  _ nikomak _ poultry canister.”

 

> **And he had written "I TAKE OVER THE WURLD IN 5 MINUTES" and his watch only had 7 seconds to go!**
> 
> **"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed L as he glomped light and they sexed for 7 seconds.**
> 
> **Then there was a big bang!**
> 
> **When the smoke cleared!**
> 
> **DARK WAS KING OF THE WORLD!!!!!**
> 
> **HE started crying with happy but then stopped and man cried instead which was more manly.**
> 
> **_"I AM SOOOOOO AWESOME!"_ **

 

“No, you’re not,” Falchion and Rashida said simultaneously.

This was followed by Watari bemoaning L’s failure. But just when it seemed as though things couldn’t get any worse…

 

> **Then a harriet jump jet screamed into view and shot a bunch of nucle ar missals! Dark tried to write "DESTORY THE NUCLEARS!" but he accidental blew up his pen insted becase it was nucelar.**
> 
> **They hit him and stuff wnet back to normal!**
> 
> **There was woosh and a bang and some little bangs and a whole bunch of magics going off at once.**
> 
> **"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" roared Watara when he stooped being the queen.**
> 
> **"Thats for everyone!" sed a girl in the cab of the jet. And everyone cheered except for peeps who fought Dark was sexy which was quiet a lot of people but most peeps fought the girl in the cab was even sexyer and it was...................... SAYU!**
> 
> **"The army hiered me to fight you and kill you!" Sayu muttered over the speaker. "So i stoled your jet and shot you!" AND NOW I AM QUEEN OF THE SHINNIGAMI!"**
> 
> **Then she got giant and Dark went normal sized.**
> 
> **She was as big as a tower and had a big chest which was so big it covered the sun.**

 

“And another charge for Dark  _ surviving a nuclear missile attack! _ ” Rashida howled. “ _ And _ for Sayu becoming the queen of the Shinigami even though Dark’s still alive!”

“Y’know what, let’s just kill everyone except L and Ryuk,” said Falchion. “Then I’ll bet the world of the badfic will die and we can call it a day.”

“What about us?” asked Aiko.

“Surely, we would need a place to live if this world is destroyed,” added Blud.

“You already have one, sort of,” said Ripper. “The PPC welcomes all who are willing to accept its wisdom and authority. I would know. It was this way for me.”

Aiko blinked. “Wait. You were a Gary Stu as well?”

“Derived from Light Yagami, in fact. Though only in some respects. The continua I was involved in were otherwise unrelated.”

“Is that why you look like him?” asked Blud.

“Perhaps,” Ripper replied. “Though it’s just a disguise in this case.”

“Would now be a good time then to say that I  _ may _ have orchestrated the entire plot by traveling back in time to visit Watari?”

Everyone stared at Blud, horror-struck.

“Wait –  _ you _ did all this?!” Rashida roared.

Blud’s undefined face suddenly turned livid. “I… I don’t know. These foreign thoughts are starting to enter my mind. It’s like… like I’m being pulled back into the world of… well, wherever Dark is.”

“The fanfic, you mean?” asked Falchion. “That’s a story about another story, which this definitely isn’t!”

“A fanfic? That’s such a funny thing. But you’re saying this isn’t a fanfic?”

“It’s a  _ badfic _ ,” Rashida growled. “And y’know what, I’ll stack additional charges on your head for believing yourself to be the chessmaster for this entire  _ nikomak  _ shitfest if you don’t do as we say and  _ snap out of it! _ ”

“I didn’t say I  _ did _ instigate all of this tomfoolery,” said Blud, raising his limbs in a gesture of “don’t shoot my head off”. “It’s just… It’s like Dark is implanting the thoughts, memories, and beliefs into me without even knowing it. Did he do this with everyone else?”

Everyone looked at each other, and then they all shook their heads.

“Everyone else is an imposter too,” said Ripper. “Though I will exempt L and Ryuk from this assumption. Especially Ryuk, as he was not majorly involved.”

“So, what do we do?” asked Blud. “Blow up the world? If Dark gives me the power to do that, I would in a heartbeat if that’s what it takes to stop him.”

“Don’t you  _ dare _ ,” Aiko chided, her voice betraying panic.

“We’ll stop him ourselves before he gives you that power,” said Ripper. “And as for the rest of this hostile territory… well, I guess I will leave it to my pack-mates to take care of that.”

“How?” Aiko asked in a terrified whisper. “This entire world is a complete mess! How will the three of you be able to clean it up?!”

Falchion patted the bit’s shoulder and smiled. “Don’t worry,” he said, watching his female partner open up a portal to the next chapter. “We won’t have to. For as a famous guy once said, ‘Some men just want to watch the world  _ burn.’ _ ”

 

* * *

 

**Act Three**

  * Soundtrack: _Death Note_ \- [“Action”](https://youtu.be/qdV5lfljHOE) \+ [“Death Note Theme”](https://youtu.be/JZt8P4l-P0w)



 

The agents landed at the start of Chapter Ten, with Blud and Aiko in their wake, and were surprised to see the Author’s Note declaring,  **_NO SHINIGAMI FIGHT THAT IDEA WAS DUM. THIS IS COOL THO! CAR CHASES WOOOO!_ **

“This is either really good or  _ really bad, _ ” said Rashida.

A few moments later, the group was rocked by a scene shift ( **MEANWHIL IN FRANCE:** ) When they got up, the scenery had changed.  **It was a sunny day. Some birds were high in the trees and making happy noises. Then a explosion.**

Before anyone could comment on the noise, however, they all spoke at once. “ **Whatez was thát?** ”

Their voices sounded oddly like flatulence, as if that was even possible.

With one exception, everyone completely lost it. Aiko burst into tears, Blud covered his face in both hands, Rashida let out another booming roar of fury, and Ripper flapped his arms like wings and kicked madly at the air, hissing aggressively.

Falchion was the only one who stood there, rattled but not as adversely affected.

“Did we just… I think we **all assed in French** !” the disguised Skarmory cried out.

“It’s not just Dark that’s influencing us,” said Rashida. “Now it’s the entire goddamn badfic!”

As if her words were magic, the scene shifted around them again, showing Not!Sayu preparing to bring Dark to justice. He then wrote in his “everything note” to “ **GO BACK IN TIM!** ”

And then another scene shift landed the group back in France.

“All right, that does it!” Rashida snarled. “Dark is going down!”

“Not yet,” said Falchion. “We may have to wait a few more chapters.”

Everyone stared at him, wide-eyed.

“What do you  _ mean _ , we have to wait?!” the Sphinx agent asked. “We can’t just let Dark keep running amok like this!”

“I read the mission report a little more thoroughly than you did, I’m sorry to say. Dark has a sister, Night Yagami, and she’s a Sue as well.”

With one swift movement, Rashida grabbed her partner by the throat and slammed him against a nearby wall.

“Why, the ever-shitting  _ fuck _ , did you  _ not _ tell me about this?!” she snarled.

“The thought slipped my mind,” he replied frantically. “I thought we were going to get rid of Dark before that point!”

“You should’ve said for us to move in earlier!”

“With Dark at that level of power? You wouldn’t have stood a chance! I know I didn’t…” Blud pointed out before Falchion could say anything.

“Stay out of this!” Rashida snarled, but Ripper also cut in.

“Rashida, Blud is correct. If we had broken cover while Dark was in his Shinigami form, we wouldn’t have survived. He would have been too large, strong, and dangerous even for the three of us working together. We need to catch him when he is less empowered.”

“He was  _ always _ empowered!” the Sphinx agent shot back. “And endowed, too, come to think of it…”

Falchion’s face lit up just then. “That’s it! Guys, I think I know a way to beat this guy.”

Everyone looked at him. “Will we still have to wait until Dark’s sister shows up?” Rashida asked.

“Unfortunately, yes. But if we can get to her before she does anything really stupid, then we’ll be able to kill her quickly. As for Dark… well… You said he was well equipped, if you know what I mean?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Take away his equipment, and not just his everything note, either. Well, that too. His notebook and ‘pen’ are everything to him. Take both away, and he won’t survive.”

Rashida’s face twisted into a scowl, but it wasn’t directed at her partner. “That  _ would _ be quite effective. Perverse, yes, but effective.”

Falchion slipped out of her grasp and patted her shoulder. “I should’ve told you sooner, Rosie. I’m… I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry won’t be enough,” she snarled back. “I’ll let you off this time because we all were caught up in the horror of the badfic, but just  _ don’t fuck around  _ next time _. _ Understood?”

The Skarmory agent could only nod.

The agents, Aiko, and Blud skipped past Dark spending the night in the  **Eyfal tower** (which spawned an animate miniature version of the Eiffel Tower, which Falchion found quite hilarious), and found themselves watching a fight between the Stu and Not!Near, who whipped out a  **nerf** of all things and  **shot the bullets out and also the scope of the sniper** .

To be more precise, Dark had whipped out a Sniper from  _ Team Fortress 2 _ and held him like a gun, while said Sniper had fired a gun of his own.

Falchion was laughing so hard that he couldn’t hold the camera steady, so Rashida reluctantly had to hold his wrists to keep them from shaking uncontrollably.

Dark then hijacked a cab, but not before a random bit tossed knives at him. Dark proceeded to throw one back at the bit and kill him, the blood spraying all over the car and turning it red.

Not!Near, meanwhile, summoned a  **NASCAR** and drove it past the  **mona lisa church** , smashing a window in the process. Dark drove through the window and went after him; his car sprouted a machine gun and fired at Near, but the bullet somehow glanced off.

“Should we follow him?” asked Aiko.

“No use,” said Ripper. “Give us enough time, and the prey will come to us.”

A few more lines later, the Stu and the replacement passed a red light. As a result,  **A car skiided to stop and hit anoter and that hit another. They all hit a tanker and it was carring nuclears so when it went up it made a massive fireball that chased Near and Dark down the streets burning everything in its path.**

Rashida opened her mouth, closed it, walked over to the nearest wall, and banged her head against it a few times.

Dark and Not!Near panicked at the sight of the fireball, which could apparently  **go around corners** , their cars momentarily sprouted JATOs and sped away at warp speed, before coming back in the opposite direction. Apparently,  **They both had to use all their turbos which made them so they flew over the Tames and laned on the highway. AND THEY WERE GOING THE WRONG WAY!**

Naturally, this resulted in yet another car accident. Dark instantly pulled over, rescued the woman inside, and then…

 

> **"GRACIAS!" she thanked. "I fortez je was mort" (An: France for dead) "Jem apple Naomi"**
> 
> **"Naomi? Did you die in the cupboard sexing in chapter 4?"**
> 
> **"No that was Takada dressed as me." (AN: In case u forget!!)**
> 
> **"but how will we catch him?" Dark sed. "he is near (get it?!) the channel tunnel and then he can go to London."**
> 
> **"I am from Lodon!" she replied and showed him her knickers (AN: English for panties) wtich had the british flag on them.**
> 
> **"I believe you. LET PUT THIS PLANE INTO ACTION" he yelled as they floored into the tunnel to Eggland.**
> 
> **_I KNOW NOAMI WAS NOT ENLGISH BUT IT MAKESS THE STORY COOLER THIS WAY! THANKS FOR READING! PLEASE REIVEW PLEASE PLEASE!_ **

 

Rashida promptly let out yet another angry roar, which was abruptly cut off by another choking noise before she spat a projectile hairball that flew clear across the street.

“Y’know what, we’re skipping to when Night shows up,” Falchion said hastily. “May I?”

The disguised Sphinx promptly handed him the RA. They opened a portal, skipping past Near and Naomi having sex and capturing Near, Dark dropping an apparent wham line about his sister, the Stu and the replacements arriving in  **Whales** (a city that looked like a pod of whales), and Dark punching out the Loch Ness Monster. They landed inside Wammy’s House, where they heard a strange noise coming from nearer than they’d expected.

“So… Dark’s sister first appears in the kitchen?” asked Blud.

“To be more precise,” said Ripper, checking the Words, “she seems to be hatching  **IN A SCIENCE PLACE DEEP IN THE BOWLS OF THE WAMMY HOUSE!** ”

“You didn’t have to exclaim that,” said Falchion. “It’s not… you. No, really. You don’t exclaim.”

“The badfic did, though. It’s done that a lot since it began.”

“Well, duh. And that’s the least of our problems right now. Look!”

 

> **There was a test tube and one of those fire thingys from cemistry lessens in school shotting sparks everywhere. In the test tube was a laddie and she was naked and a whole bunch of pipes and wires and stuff were stuck to her skin. Then she got out and gettted dress. She put on a silver top that said nike on it and genes as well that were ripped. She died her hare and it was pink with green bits and some red and also some b lack where the die missed. Then she mohawked her hair and put on a piercing shaped like a nuclear.**

 

Everyone stared in shock at the scenery before them, unable to say anything at all. How could all that scientific equipment have fit inside those bowls? And where did that multicolored hare come from?

Then there was a noise from the roof of the house. The agents all looked up at the Words, their expressions perplexed. Dark was somehow busting through the roof with a drill he’d pulled from his pocket.

Then the house suddenly became a lot more crowded.  **Inside was like 1000000 stormtroopers that weren't but wore the suits for safeness.**

Aiko scooped up the frightened hare, cradling it in her arms.

The agents, along with Aiko and Blud, had to squeeze through the crowd to get through the front door. They barely made it out when Dark entered the scene.

> **"Oh great not again!" Dark said scarasticly. He drew he gun and checked the clip. It had 100000 bullts in it so there would be just enough if he didnt miss and cos hes a dead good shot he didnt and they all got blasted away and the room was safe agan but bloody. Except he missed one so he had to punch a guy in the face and he punched so hard it went through and killed like a hundred more.**

The entire interior of the house was, in fact, covered with blood in the same way that Sar-Plasm covered the interior of the agents’ RC. Rashida retched and threw up yet another hairball while Not!Near also threw up from a window somewhere close by.

“How many of those hairballs do you  _ have?! _ ” asked Aiko.

“Too many,” the disguised Sphinx growled in response.

“Let’s get to the part where Night and Dark meet up,” said Falchion, holding up the RA. “We can get them when they’re distracted. Shouldn’t be too hard, right?”

The agents quickly agreed with this decision.

 

> **"WHO ARE YOU?" said the naked girl wearing cloths but noone could hear her cos she was speaking Whalesish.** (In other words, she let out a series of whale calls, much to Falchion’s amusement.)
> 
> **"I speke Whales too!" Near said and tramslated.**
> 
> **"I am Dark Yagami. You look sexyed. I am Dark Yagami."**
> 
> **"NO WAY!" she explained** (again, by uttering whale noises) **. "IM YOUR FCKING SISTER! NIGHT YAAGMI!"**
> 
> **They all gasped even tho they new cos i told them last time remember?**
> 
> **"Its a good thing i dnt sex you!" they roflmaoed.**

 

Rashida gagged, Falchion facepalmed, and Ripper wiped a trickle of drool from his lips. The Stu, the Sue, and the replacements were exchanging banter over a sudden tea party, and were too busy chatting excitedly to notice.

“No logic, speaking whale, and implying that they would’ve had  _ incest?! _ ” the Sphinx agent cried. “This. Is. So.  _ Stupid! _ ”

“What do we do now?” asked Blud. “Do we move in or not?”

“We probably will sooner or later,” said Falchion. “Do you think there’s anyone we can get out of harm’s way?”

“With the exception of L, the entire herd is beyond saving now,” said Ripper, sneaking a wink at the disguised Skarmory. “At least you can’t lose your temper enough to attack them by the end of this chapter, right?”

Falchion could almost hear the Ironic Overpower cracking its knuckles…

 

> **"No. Dark is a nicer dude than me and also Im already in love." Night mumbled.**
> 
> **"Who.......?" said Dark who already new the anser but wasn't sure.**
> 
> **"Mello."**
> 
> **"BUT I KILLED MELLOW?"**
> 
> **"HA I KNEW IT" rroared a mystery stranger with blond hair and awhole bunch of leather jumping out of a test tube.**
> 
> **"No... your dead!"**
> 
> **"Thats what you think...."**
> 
> **It was Mello! And he had a life note! And L was there! And Night was getting a tattoo! And it said.... "Near"!**

 

That did it. Unable to take the sheer idiocy anymore, Rashida pounced at Night, slamming her to the nearest wall. The Sue shrieked and tried to push her away, but the Sphinx agent had already started strangling her.

Dark attempted to whip out his everything note, but Ripper had already launched himself at him. The Stu felt teeth clamping around his wrist and cried out in pain, attempting to beat the disguised raptor off of him. Falchion wrested the everything note from his hands, and backed off just as Ripper shoved the nozzle of his Tau Cannon into Dark’s crotch.

There was a blast of white-hot plasma. Struck at point-blank range, Dark screamed even louder, glitter already pouring from the gaping wound where his cock and balls had once been, and collapsed to the ground, writhing in pain.

Blud stepped out a second later, and Aiko followed suit, holding the colorful hare.

Ripper stood up, towering over the prone Stu, and pointed the cannon at his victim’s throat. “Hello brother,” he said, his lips curling back in a menacing grin (albeit a tad undermined by his human teeth). “I’ve been waiting for you.”

“All right, places everyone!” said Falchion. “We’ve got a metric fuckton of charges laid out for all of you. Let’s start from the newest character introduced and work backwards, shall we?”

“First off, Night Yagami,” Rashida snarled, “by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Mary Sue on account of the following charges: Being grown out of a test tube in a bowl; dressing and looking completely inappropriate for the Death Note series; speaking Whalesish; implying potential incest with your fucking Gary Stu of a brother; showing up completely out of nowhere just for the sake of aiding and abetting said Gary Stu; attempting to forge Twu Wuv with multiple canons; spawning and abusing a hare by way of a typo; having piss-poor grammar; and needless to say, enraging me in record time!”

“Mello, Near, and Naomi,” said Falchion, “you three and… basically everybody else are convicted of being character replacements on account of the following charges: Acting completely OOC; having sex with multiple other canons at the drop of a hat; wanting sex if you aren’t actively ‘sexing’; either pandering to Dark’s sick whims or becoming assholes just to make him look better; and just being horribly written in general. Near is also charged with understanding Whalesish, or Whales, or whatever that stupid language is. As for L, I can make an exception due to remaining in opposition to Kira, and I suppose a trip to FicPsych is in order after today.”

“And finally, as for you, Dark Yagami,” said Ripper, already writing Dark’s name in his Defect Note, “you are hereby convicted of being a Gary Stu on account of the following charges: Being a recolor of Light Yagami; exhibiting atrocious spelling, grammar, and formatting; replacing almost every single Death Note canon and afflicting all of those who weren't replaced with horribly deformed characterization; creating an army of minis; allowing L to be ��momentarily turned into a pile of manure, using too many scene shifts; emoting using your internal organs; maiming and killing multiple canons; having sex with several more canons and causing canons to exchange intercourse without any plausible reason; implanting knowledge into other characters without reason; being horrendously overpowered and also owning multiple equally overpowered artifacts; becoming king of the Shinigami without any plausible motivations; misunderstanding multiple fields of study, including physics, biology, and simple math; being able to travel through time using your ‘everything note’; creating a magical sentient fireball; butchering multiple foreign languages; implying potential incest with your Suvian sister; and angering my partner to the point of physical violence, explicit language, and one instance of self-harm.”

“You tried to kill me, too,” said Blud, nodding to Ripper in acknowledgement. “But I am still alive. So I am still the King of the Shinigami!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” wailed Dark.

“For  _ all _ of these crimes,” Rashida roared, “your collective punishment is –”

The front door, and most of the front wall of Wammy’s House, suddenly exploded into smoldering splinters. The air turned thirty degrees warmer in an instant, and everyone looked around to see something enormous and white-hot looming before them.

It was the magic fireball that had chased the group in Paris. Apparently, it hadn’t quite given up on mowing Dark down.

Aiko let out a piercing scream of absolute terror. Taking this as a threat, the fireball let out two puffs of smoke like a bull and charged at the group.

Everyone scattered, and the fireball smashed into the opposite wall, leaving not a whole, but a fifteen-foot hole whose edges caught alight. The flames began to spread rapidly, and the fireball whirled to face them.

Rashida immediately opened up a portal beneath Night Yagami, who fell through into some kind of pool. She splashed into the water and desperately tried to swim up for air. But no sooner had she broken the surface when a giant mouth full of spike-like teeth closed around her. She only had an instant to scream before King Krok bit her in half.

Dark stood up, clutching his bleeding groin, and shoved Ripper aside. The raptor agent sprang to his feet, stowed his Tau Cannon in his hammerspace, and scrambled to find a pen.

Before the Stu could lunge for the everything note in Falchion’s hands, the Armor Bird Pokémon threw his knife at him, impaling his upper arm and making him cry out once more.

The fireball charged again. Before Dark could grab his everything note from Falchion, the Skarmory had tossed it to Ripper. “He’s all yours, bro!”

The disguised  _ Deinonychus _ dodged the fireball, which slammed into a nearby desk and scattered stationery everywhere, at the same time incinerating the three replacements who also happened to be in its way. Instantly, Rashida grabbed a pen and prepared to hand it to Ripper.

But the next thing she knew, the Stu had fallen upon her from behind, startling her into dropping the pen. She couldn’t shake him off – and the fireball was preparing to charge straight at them.

Falchion screeched in alarm, but he couldn’t grab his knife and pull it out. His partner and the Stu were moving too fast! And now the fireball was accelerating towards them…

Before it could incinerate the Sphinx agent, however, Blud had leaped out in front of it and seized it in a wrestling hold, attempting to block it despite the searing heat burning his flesh. Seizing his chance, Ripper tore Dark off of his female partner. He flung him to the ground, snatched up the pen she’d dropped, and wrote one sentence in the everything note:

“ Dark Yagami burns to death in five seconds. ”

Blud winced again as the fireball’s intense heat continued to singe him, and then he was crushed underneath as it suddenly charged at Dark.

Two seconds later, however, the Stu transformed into his giant Shinigami form (taking out most of the roof in the process) and stomped the fireball underfoot. Falchion’s knife clattered to the floor beneath him.

There was another three seconds of horrified silence as the giant Stu glared down at the agents, preparing to end them in one blow.

And then his foot caught fire.

Screaming, he foolishly tried to revert into his human form, but he couldn’t complete the transformation completely, so even when he had turned back into a teenager, he still had one golden eye, seventy-eight red eyes, rainbow-colored hair, and a gigantic bleeding hole where his [CENSORED] had once been. He continued screaming as the rest of his body was quickly covered in searing heat.

“Exactly as planned,” Ripper quipped.

The flames covering Dark’s body quickly abated once he was dead, but the rest of the fire spread rapidly throughout the house. The agents prepared to rush out as fast as they could, but some burning timbers fell in their path.

“We’re trapped!” Aiko screamed, hugging the colored hare in pure terror.

“It’s been good knowing you guys,” said Falchion. “Rosie, I’m sorry for putting you through so much trouble since I joined the PPC.”

“And I’m sorry too for being demeaning to you both,” Rashida replied. “I never thought I would die with an author avatar and his Stuvian creation.”

“What about us?” asked Aiko.

Ripper blinked at her. “Us?”

Just then, the timbers were smashed apart. Blud had cleared the path for them to escape, but he had sustained mortal injuries from being flattened by the fireball, and his strength was giving out.

“Go! GO!!” he cried, grabbing the everything note from Ripper and throwing it into the fire.

Ripper seized Dark’s heavily charred corpse, Falchion picked up his knife, and the agents rushed out with L in tow. But halfway out of the courtyard, Ripper looked back towards Blud. Before he could flee the house as well, another timber fell on his back, pinning him.

“Blud… why?” asked the raptor agent. “Why did you take our side? Even though you knew… even though you did…”

The Shinigami smiled peacefully at him, his face becoming strangely familiar. “Because we were both him,” he said, his voice full of regret.

Ripper realized what he was talking about, and then his head bowed in respect. “Goodbye, Not!Light,” he smiled, his eyes watering.

Blud smiled back.

An instant later, the house exploded. Bits of flaming debris flew all over the place, raining down like a shower of meteors. The agents, Aiko, and L ran as fast as they could as the inferno began to spread.

“The fic’s dying!” Falchion cried. “It’s working! I can’t believe it’s working!”

“Why aren’t we heading back to HQ?” asked Ripper.

“We still have to find Ryuk!” said Rashida, opening a portal.

They found the canonical Shinigami back in the badfic version of New York City, which was still heavily damaged from Dark’s attack. Unfortunately, as soon as they got him out of the portal (which took quite a lot of pushing and promises of apples), the destruction of the badfic had already reached across the Atlantic. Nearer and nearer the fire burned, forming walls of destructive heat a mile high.

“Hurry,  _ hurry! _ ” Rashida cried, opening a portal. L and Ryuk were rushed through to FicPsych just as Times Square went up in flames racing at 300 miles an hour.

The agents closed the portal and opened another one, this time leading back to their RC. They all bolted through with only a half-second to spare as the badfic went up in flames behind them.

 

* * *

 

**Post-Mission**

 

Exhausted, but alive, the agents all collapsed upon the ground in three heaps of feathers and fur. There was a moment of silence in mourning for the badfic character who had helped them escape the inferno.

Aiko’s knees wobbled as she stared at the three, fighting back the urge to scream.

“W-what’s happened to you?!” she finally cried, cradling her pet hare a little tighter.

“I told you, none of us are human,” said Falchion, preening his metallic feathers idly. “We just had to disguise ourselves so nobody would notice.”

“Camouflage is most imperative when hunting in such a dangerous habitat as a badfic,” said Ripper.

Rashida was the first to stand up, now comfortably back on four feet. “I am  _ so _ glad that’s over,” she huffed. “I am  _ never  _ going through that  _ khara _ ever again.  _ Never! _ ”

“That makes three of us,” said Falchion.

A now fully-feathered Ripper stood up too, and headed over to his place to put his Tau Cannon away, setting it in the position it was in before the console had gone off in the first place.

“Is there anything we still need to do?” he asked, sniffing at the air, his maw slightly open in anticipation. The smell of Dark’s burnt body was starting to permeate the RC.

“Oh,  _ ibn al-mitneka _ ,” Rashida grumbled. “You should’ve left Dark’s body in the world of the badfic along with the rest of them! What the Duat were you thinking?!”

“I wanted his golden eye,” said Ripper. “I thought it would make a fitting addition to my collection.”

Before the Sphinx agent could respond, Falchion had leaned over the head of the carcass, and one disgusting squelching noise later, he tossed the eye to his partner.

“Better?” he asked, ignoring his female partner’s disgusted grimace.

“Definitely,” Ripper replied with a toothy grin. “It would look perfect next to the replica of Ash’s hat. And that mop we found in Chapter Four may be a good backdrop piece as well.”

Aiko shuddered a little, hugging her hare a bit more closely to her.

“And you know what,” said Rashida, “you can keep the rest of the body. I don’t want to touch it anymore.”

“But Rashida… I thought you wanted Dark murdered,” said Ripper, peeking out of his room again. Indeed, he’d placed the golden eye and his Defect Note next to Not!Ash’s hat.

“The deed is done,” she replied. “And while I’m at it, well… Thanks for bailing me out back there. I honestly had no idea you had the capacity to do such a thing.”

Ripper was left completely speechless.

“Uh, English please?” asked Falchion.

“We won’t have to cook for Ripper tonight,” his female partner replied, shrugging. “We need to dispose of the body somewhere, so I guess Ripper can have it too. He deserves it.”

Ripper stepped up to the albino Sphinx and hugged her with his clawed wings. “Thank you, Rashida. So, does this mean that as the alpha of this pack, you accept and trust me fully now?”

She shrugged her broad shoulders and replied, “We’ll see, Ripper. We’ll see.”

“Wait,” said Aiko. “What about me? Or my new friend?”

The colorful hare in her arms also looked at the agents hopefully.

“I guess we’ll have to take her to the SO,” said Rashida. “She could be useful, being a secretary and all. Though she may have to be kept away from mops for a while.”

“Forever, more like,” said Falchion.

Aiko burst out laughing, Velociripper uttered a twittering call of amusement, and even Rashida chuckled in spite of her facepaw. And with that, the Skarmory and the Sphinx led the desk lady out of RC #227, leaving the  _ Deinonychus _ to happily settle to his well-earned and conveniently roasted meal.

 

#  **[END]**

**Author's Note:**

> Eeyup XD. It had to be done. You wouldn’t believe how hard I laughed IRL while sporking this thing – there’s just so much wrong that I couldn’t help myself, and I don’t even need to explain any of it here. Didn’t bother doing the remaining two-thirds, though, way too much work. *shrug*
> 
> Aiko is available for public use, by the way, with permission of course; I’m thinking that she could work in Infrastructure or something. I was debating whether to rescue Blud as well, due to his working against Dark, but in light of a lot of the things he does wrong later, I guess he wasn’t really worth the trouble and it would’ve been a controversial move anyway. I’m already pushing it as it is by having him realize how horribly he messed up, but whatever. Dark was the bigger problem by a HUUUUGE margin.
> 
> Special thanks to Voyd and Omega for beta-reading!
> 
> – SkarmorySilver
> 
> Rescued characters:  
> \- Nakamura Aiko
> 
> Rescued minis:  
> \- Death Note (Defect Notes):  
> \-- light's  
> \-- mello  
> \-- kira (adopted by SkarmorySilver)  
> \-- light  
> \-- death note  
> \-- Ruyk  
> \-- LIGHTS  
> \-- watari  
> \-- lght  
> \-- Atari  
> \- Sonic the Hedgehog (mini-Chaoses):  
> \-- sonic the hedgehog  
> \- Twilight (mini-sparklewolves):  
> \-- EMET  
> \- Other:  
> \-- Eyfel tower (adopted by SkarmorySilver)


End file.
